I don't feel ready, I'm SCARED!

Pheeeeewww!......I’m back!

And YES, I’m done with exams this time!! (Clock that!) 🎉

Soooo…

I keep saying I’m excited for summer.

And I am.

Kind of.

But also… I’m scared.

Because before it’s even started, it already feels choked (it is choked).

My name is on too many lists.

Too many programs. Too many expectations.

People are counting on me ... and I haven’t even caught my breath from everything I just finished.

(Yeeeee😭)

It’s like I’m standing at the edge of a river and everybody’s saying,

You’ll be fine, just jump.

But I’m quietly asking myself,

What if I drown?

(Funny thing is… I can’t swim.)

I have a Teenagers program coming up in my church and I’ve been given something to do.

(More like public speaking, you know.)

My Teenagers Director said she trusts me to deliver well cause I did something similar last year and trust me, I ATEEEEE 😌.

Anyways....

She really believes I can do this.

But she doesn’t know that I’m scared.

That I don’t feel ready.

That I honestly don’t even know what to expect.

That I don’t know how to feel about this.

I told my mum, and she said, I know you can do it. You just need time to relax.

(Where’s the time???? 😩).....

And maybe she’s right.

Or maybe she just doesn’t get it.

Or maybe she does… and I’m the one who is confused.

I haven’t admitted this out loud ( the fact that I’m scared.)at least not yet.

Because I’m the “you’ve got this” girl.

The “strong, always-ready” girl.

The “I’ll figure it out” girl.

But … I just want to be the real girl

The one who is unsure.

The one who is whispering prayers she is to tired to say out loud.

The one who loves God deeply… but doesn’t always know how to carry everything.

So this is me writing.

Not because I’ve figured it all out ....

but to finally say the truth,

I’m scared.

I’m tired.

I want this summer to be more than just survival.

I want moments with God that feel soft.

I want space to write, to breathe, to read books.

I want to see my best friend and not feel guilty for being happy.

And maybe…

Maybeeee.....

writing this is th

e first step.

Y’all pray for meeee… it’s about to get REAL.